Guiding a Child's Behaviour POSITIVELY

Show Respect for Children: warm smiles, hugs, moderate tone of voice, encouragement, humor, see things from a child’s point of view, avoid comparisons of children, and interact with children frequently, move to their eye level

Understand Child Development: play materials match ages and abilities, sufficient materials and toys, children are given opportunities to make choices.

MODEL the behaviour you want to encourage: patience, cooperation, helpfulness, kindness

Encourage efforts at independence and helping others: acknowledge when a child works hard or helps someone

Set reasonable and fair limits for behaviour: knowing limits helps children control their own behaviour, limits should be clear, and consistently maintained.

Routines should be consistent, yet flexible: consistency helps children feel secure

Give individual attention: children need to know they are special

Respond to children’s needs promptly: children are less likely to act out if they know you will listen and respond

BUILD the relationship: take time to build trust and love. If you need to speak to a child about his /her behaviour focus on what needs to be changed and help make that happen without punishing. Teach the desired behaviour.

Modify the environment:

-Children who are fully engaged in play are less likely to act out

-offer activities that suit a child’s needs and interests

-ensure there are adequate materials and toys available

-add new toys, rotate through your stock, teach a new song, or go outside

Redirection/Distraction:

-redirect children away from undesired behaviours towards something more appropriate and interesting to the child.

-distract younger children with a different toy or activity

-make substitutions for older children

Allow children to be more in control of their actions:

-describe rather than evaluate: Instead of saying “Great picture” try saying “You drew something new on your car. Are those wheels?”

-Explain the effects of a child’s behaviour on other people. Instead of saying “You’re such a good helper.” say “You set the table, thanks.”

-Invite reflection: Instead of saying “That is a great tower you built” say “ How did you know to put all the big blocks on the bottom and the small blocks on top?”

Positive Phrasing:

Say comments in positive manner rather then using a negative phrase: Say “Please walk” rather than “No running”

 “Toys belong in the toy bin so we don’t trip over them and get hurt”  rather than “Pick up your toys.”

Active Listening:

-listen to what the child is saying

-acknowledge and accept his/her feelings

-reflect back your understanding of a message

-give feelings a name “I understand you are angry because Sally grabbed your toy.”

-trust in the child’s capacity to work through his/her feelings

Negotiating and Problem Solving:

-act as the facilitator to help children find a positive solution

-use negotiation to help children see another’s point of view

-once the resolution has been found, help with the outcome.

“I” Messages

“I” messages lets a child know how a behaviour is affecting others and gives a child he opportunity to change that behaviour. There are 3 parts to an “I” message:

Use non-blaming, developmentally appropriate words to help the child understand the effects of the behaviour

-tell your feeling about the behaviour

-give an explanation for your feeling on that behaviour

Example,” When I see you climbing the table, I am scared the table will break and you could get hurt. Is there somewhere else you can climb?”

 Active Listening:

-listen to what the child is saying

-acknowledge and accept his/her feelings

-reflect back your understanding of a message

-give feelings a name “I understand you are angry because Sally grabbed your toy.”

-trust in the child’s capacity to work through his/her feelings

 

Negotiating and Problem Solving:

-act as the facilitator to help children find a positive solution

-use negotiation to help children see another’s point of view

-once the resolution has been found, help with the outcome.

“I” Messages

“I” messages lets a child know how a behaviour is affecting others and gives a child he opportunity to change that behaviour. There are 3 parts to an “I” message:

Use non-blaming, developmentally appropriate words to help the child understand the effects of the behaviour

-tell your feeling about the behaviour

-give an explanation for your feeling on that behaviour

Example,” When I see you climbing the table, I am scared the table will break and you could get hurt. Is there somewhere else you can climb?”

 When/The Rule:

This rule helps a child to do something they don’t want to do. WHEN she does what she needs to do, THEN she can do what she wants to do. Be firm and friendly.

-”When you have picked up your toys, then you will be ready to go outside.”

“When you pick up the blocks, then it will be time for snack.”

“”When you get your coat on, then you can go outside.”

Choices:

At times, it may help to give a child a choice. Example: ”It is clean up time. Are you going to tidy up the block corner or the house corner?”

When giving choices, give only 2 and make sure both choices are okay with you.

Choices should always be respectful to the child and adult.

Calm Down Strategies:

These are times when a child just needs to take a break from the action. Help the child find a place to sit quietly with quiet toys or books apart from the play. Give the child appropriate attention. Do not withdraw your attention. Allow the child to rejoin the play. The adult should remain calm at all times to model for the child how to calm down.

  

Positive Behaviour Strategies

POSITIVE BEHAVIOUR STRATEGIES:

We are more inclined to resist if someone tells us no. Sometimes when adults are frustrated with children’s behaviour they say no. Children resist and ask “Why?” The goal of the following strategies is to create cooperation and reduce resistance by replacing no and redirecting behaviour successfully.

1, The Make-A-Big Deal Strategy:

Practice noticing children behaving appropriately and then point it out to them.

“I saw you share blocks. That was thoughtful.”

“I heard you solving the problem by taking turns”

“I noticed you helping your friend.”

“You worked hard at putting the toys away.”

When we give attention, thanks, specific and effective recognition we tell children that we care and make them feel proud of their contributions. By focusing on positive behaviours we reinforce those behaviours. The behaviour that gets our positive attention will grow. But we need  practice to notice children when they are behaving appropriately.

2. Replace With Something Appropriate Strategy

When children are behaving inappropriately, redirect/replace it by asking the children to do something appropriate. “Show me how to arrange the blocks by size.” Instead of saying “no” or “don’t do that”, tell the child what to do.

For example: Instead of saying “don’t run”, say “we walk indoors” or “come tiptoe behind me.”

3. The Choice Strategy

When we let children choose it makes them feel that they are in control. They will be more willing to cooperate. Give children two choices and both choices should be positive and acceptable.

“It is time to clean up. Would you like to put away blocks or trucks?”

At snack time, “I am serving fruit for snack. Would you like an apple or a banana?”

4. The When/Then Strategy:

“When you wash your hands, then you can have a snack.”

When there are too many toys on the floor: “When you put some toys away, then you can bring other toys out.”

When/then strategy communicates expectations. When children know what is expected of them they are mopre willing to cooperate. Caution: when using this strategy make sure your expectations are age and developmentally appropriate and respectful of the child.

Source: Young Children, July 2011, National Association for the Education of Young Children

Building A Routine

Whether you are a parent or a provider, having a solid routine for your day is important for the children in your care, and for your own sanity!

Here's an article by Kristen Schulz (CCC Teacher) who discusses the whys and hows of routines for children:

"The following article will guide you through the routine process, explaining what a routine is, when a routine might be useful in your life, and finally how to build one yourself. My hope is that you will find comfort in knowing that many parents and families go through struggles and there is a way to help your children gain independence and structure without losing your mind.

The “Super Nanny” Jo Frost says, “A routine provides a clear structure for daily life.” (p.44) When you think about all of the things you have to get done during the day, it can be very overwhelming. As a parent you have to get all of that stuff done, but with your children following close behind. This is when having a plan of action can help.

If you know that the kids have to be dressed and ready to go by 8 am, your plan starts when they wake up. How can you structure the time so that it is logical and orderly for everyone involved? Maybe it would look like this: Wake the kids at 7 am and bring them to the table where they will eat. After breakfast it’s time to clean up. Bring the kids to the bathroom to wash their hands and face, brush teeth, and get dressed. Once they are clean and dressed, it’s time for shoes and out the door.

If this is what you do every morning then your kids understand what is going to be happening and they can feel safe. According to the article Routines to the Rescue, Parents Magazine, 1999, “Routines give kids a sense of control. When kids can anticipate what’s going to happen, it makes them feel safe and builds a sense of trust in their parents and their environment.”

You might think this is going to be too hard. Let’s look at what the experts say. According to a workshop from 4-C entitled Everyday Magic:

“Children thrive on routines, they like their lives to be clear and predictable, and enjoy the security of comfortable repetition. Routines establish trust in children and show them that their world is a safe place… Young children are not able to plan in advance. Often, as adults, we get frustrated at our children for acting up during these times. However, try to think what it would be like if you did not know or understand why things around you were happening. Picture how you would feel if someone just loaded you into a car and didn’t explain where you were going or why. You would be anxious too!”

We should stop once in awhile and put ourselves in their shoes to see if what we are asking them makes sense within the time and limits of their abilities. We have high expectations for our children, and we need to make sure that the expectation makes sense so as to provide learning. “The easiest way for children to learn is through repetition. Consistent routines teach children how to do necessary things like eating, bathing, tooth brushing, etc.” (Everyday Magic)

Jo Frost has provided her readers with this advice, “Routines build consistency into family life. You also need an agreed upon a set of rules. Before you can insist on certain standards of behavior from your child, you have to decide what is acceptable and what is not. Then you have to stick to your guns. If you’re always bending the rules and moving the goalposts, your child won’t have the first clue of what he should be doing and won’t take you seriously.”(p.47)

This brings us to actually building a routine. Have a plan for what you want accomplished and talk it over with your children if they are old enough. Giving them some control over how they will be moving through their day will provide them with an opportunity to be an active participant in the routine itself. “Routines should be respectful. Tell the child what you are going to do before you do it. Treat them as respectfully as you would an adult.” Elaine Goodwin also says, “Give children a warning. About ten minutes before you need them to do the routine, let them know. This prepares the children for what is coming to give them time to wrap-up what they are doing.” Then you have to guide them through it especially at first so they understand the expectations.

Jo Frost says, “You’re talking through their day. But what you are not doing is offering them lots of choices.” Examples, “Let’s put on your shoes,” not, “Will you put on your shoes?” “When you have put on your shoes we can go to the park,” not, “If you put on your shoes, you can go to the park.” “The difference in the way you say things may be very subtle, but the difference in the results are not.” (p.50) Stick with the routine and have fun at the same time says Elaine Goodwin. “Make your routines fun! Your child has to eat and sleep anyway, why not use this time to teach your child and bond with them. You will find that doing so not only improves the child’s behavior during these necessary routines, but also helps them to feel better prepared for life.”

Some children are going to be able to pick up on the routines right away and others will need time and consistency. If you are finding that the routine is harder than it was before, maybe your child could use a visual reminder of the routine. Children think in pictures instead of words, and if you are getting frustrated saying the same thing over and over let the routine chart be your guide. “Visual cues are great because kids learn to tune out verbal instruction,” says Dr. Abrams. “With a chart, there’s less emotion, because it’s harder to argue with an inanimate object.” (Parents 2008)

A chart should be simple and organized so the children can follow it. Have the kids help to create it to include them in the process. You can use simple drawing, pictures from magazines, or take digital pictures of the kids doing the routine themselves. Then when they ask, “What’s next?” you can say, “Look at the chart.” Just remember, you can build a routine for any time of the day: mealtime, bedtime, hand washing, teeth brushing, bath time, clean up, dressing and undressing, etc. Just work on one at a time and watch your life go from absolutely crazy to only slightly crazy."

References:

Memon, Reshma, You make Me Want to Shout, Parents, December 2008

Frost, Jo, How to Get The Best From Your Children, Hyperion, New York, 2005

Miller Kase, Lori, Routines to the Rescue, Parents, February 1999

Goodwin, Elaine, Why should I have a Routine for my Child,4-C Parent Educator, Dekalb, IL

Unknown Routines: Everyday Magic,4-C , DeKalb, IL

Re-Thinking Time Out

If you are still using time out to "punish" a child for "bad behaviour" then please read further and try to open your mind and change your ways. This is a humiliating experience for children and rarely achieves the outcome the adult had in mind.

Think instead of using the inappropriate behaviour as a teaching opportunity to teach a child a new behaviour through discussion. Show the child what they should do when this problem arises. Maybe they should use words to tell another child they are playing with that toy, rather than grab it back. Teach the words to say. Adjust the level of language to the child's age and development.

Children need to know that they have your support to get through these situations and will help with the other child who also needs to be taught how to ask, or wait for a turn. You may have to explain to an older child that a younger child does not know he/she must wait for a turn and has to learn this. Teach how to compromise and give a younger child a few blocks of his own so he won't take yours.

Model staying calm and in control for children. Let them know you are there to listen, and help. This calms a child substantially to know you will be there.

Of course, you will still have screaming red faced crying children who flail themselves about and aggressively attack others. At this time, you will need more patience and will have to dig deeper to stay calm. Give the child some space to let it out. This is natural and anger has built to a point where it must come out. Stay quiet and do not upset the child further with insensitive comments. Let the child know he/she is still loved and hold the child when they come to you.

Find a way to solve the problem while the child is upset to distract yourself from anger. Please do not walk away or isolate a child in a room - there are many things wrong with this approach. Keep them close, in view, and touch them gently if they will allow it. The child is not intentionally trying to make you angry. It's all about their own emotion. Keep your emotions in check. When the child is ready, talk about feelings and name them, offer an alternative/compromise that is acceptable. You are still in charge of the situation, you are just recognizing that the child has something to learn. You are the child's teacher.

If you give in at this moment you must know that next time there will be a bigger tantrum. Think of this process not as a power struggle, but an opportunity to discuss and solve a problem that leaves you both feeling good. Chances are, the number of incidents will decrease when new skills to have needs/wants met are learned. It's a process that takes time.